Do you just ever wake up one morning and realize right before your eyes is everything you hate? Structure, traditional, boring, mutable, inauthentic. It’s not me per say but the recent job I got at Bloomingdale’s. While I’m glad I’ll be getting a better pay check and I know this job is temporarily, the fact I’m in a black suit with nude pumps irks me. As a Bloomingdale’s employee, I can only wear dark colors that range from black, navy, and brown. Don’t forget I can’t wear any pattern that stands out, because we wouldn’t want me to look different. The thing is, I like standing out. I love color, unique patterns and textures, and being authentically myself. When I wear this suit, I feel like all that is stripped away. If you know me, you know I love fashion, and one way to be express myself is through my clothes. Bloomingdale’s isn’t the problem here. It’s me realizing what is really important to me, my emotions, my ability to freely express myself how the fuck I want. While I’ll stick it out for now at my new job, I know I don’t want a career that doesn’t leave room for self-expression.
But it’s more than that. I don’t want a 9-5 job that’s mundane, where I work for a pay check week by week working for someone else’s values. I want to create my own path. I want to work for myself. Do something that my emotions are in center stage. Make career out of this feeling that is so strong in all of us. In the end, it’s this thread that connects us all. While your regular work place wants to control your emotions, make them work appropriate, I want mine to run free. I want them to explore every crevice of this earth and come back to me and say I’ve done it all. I don’t know why as a country we are so scared of emotions. Afraid to let them loose. We always want to control. Emotions don’t equate havoc. They are there to guide you. It’s your soul’s way of showing you what to do. Because this physical body isn’t you. It’s merely a carcass that inhabits your soul, this intangible space of nothing that holds your thoughts, experience, and feelings.
I want to do soul work. Work that is the chicken noodle soup for other souls out there. Those who need help. I don’t want to be tool that keeps on giving capitalists pigs more money. I just want to help others because that’s the only way I will ever feel fulfilled in life.