Whenever I see him electric sparks brew up inside of me, a feeling that crawls from my toes to my ears. I always feel a slight nervousness whenever he's around that keeps me on my feet. I want to get closer but even that thought scares me. So I wind up orbiting around him. Two planets passing by each other yet never stopping on their tracks to get together. He's a map I am trying to follow, trying to piece together. I weave a story from the crumbs of information I find out about him through our conversations, from his nervous hands that stroke his neck then his collarbone, and his indiscreet stares he commits when he thinks I am not looking. He's a never-ending maze that I'm trying to figure out but will never understand. So the only thing I am left to do is to hopelessly stare in awe at the beauty that is he.
Have you ever dreamt about an innocent "crush"? A dream so vivid, you can feel their gentle soft wet lips part slowly as they inch towards your mouth. It makes you rethink whether it was ever more than just a simple infatuation. To be fair, I love becoming completely enamored with someone. Crushes are beautiful. You admire people from afar, put them on a pedestal, and think of all the good things they have to offer to this world. It feels good to love someone but it also teaches me how to love myself.
"It feels good to love someone but it also teaches me how to love myself."
Lately, I find myself asking "why do I like him?" The question appears repeatedly, infiltrating my thoughts until I find it. The traits he has I want to see manifested in myself. Then I realize I admire his gentleness, something I've never seen in a man before. The way he interacts with the world with gentle care is admirable. It fascinates me. I want to be that way in every way possible. I want to breathe it in and then out so I can spread it to others and they can see how beautiful it is to be gentle.
"I realize I admire his gentleness, something I've never seen in a man before."
When I apply thing to past crushes I realize there is something innately beautiful about their characteristics that make me want to be engulfed in their presence. It's his confidence he exudes without even opening his mouth. It's the indiscriminate affable smile the greets all those who walk past him no matter who they are. It's their creative distinct self that is unafraid to paint his own path. It's his affectionate wild energy that changes the mood of a crowd with just his mere presence. There is something beautiful about all these guys and it's not just their face. I feel lucky enough to share a moment or two with them that teaches me who I want to become.